These are difficult times

Life for my daughter and I have been very difficult. We are taking life one day at a time and one step at a time. I never thought life could be so hard with a loss of the one you love. Now, I can attest to that because we miss lack of laughter, the sharp crisp voice in a comedic moment or the smile and twinkle in my husband's eyes that you see and share. It is the simple things in life that you take for granted that hurts the most. It is the memory that floods back in your mind because you experienced those memories with your love one so many moons ago that you remember and treasure. Ah! but life can be so wonderful at times when you are not thinking about the sad events in your life and you are just living life. As I write my thoughts I am quite sure that feeling sorry for myself is not the way my husband will want me to live. I am sure that he wouldn't want my daughter to live like that. So I have been trying hard to pick myself up and move forward by attempting to put the joy back into my daughter's life to hear the joy in her voice in whatever she does. I am trying to keep her active by sending her to summer camp so that she can be with other kids her own age and have fun with them. In the afternoon when I pick her up she is so happy because she had that opportunity to meet new kids and do new things. Later she goes out to the park and play with kids in the park and her best friend. It is amazing to see her having fun and that make me happy. Loving her, being their for her gives me joy and makes me happy and for that moment and time life is worth living again.

On Sunday, my daughter, my neighbour and I set up a small pool for my daughter in our backyard. She was so happy that we were putting up the pool. She was like she was on cloud nine. She helped with the assembly of the pool, and holding the hose to fill the pool. Oh I was happy to put the joy back into her life even if it was just for a moment. Living life through a child's eyes is an amazing thing. A child can be happy with the simple things because they are kids at heart and they are living life a life that we may wish to turn back the clock at times and enjoy those childhood memories of ours. I must say yesterday was an amazing day because I made my daughter the happiest child in the whole wide world. I only hope that I can continue to make her summer the happiest she has ever had. I only wish that I had a vehicle that I could take her on long trips, to have a picnic here or there, to watch the open air movies like we did last summer. I think that will make her summer and mine the happiest she has had since her father's death. But dispite the fact, I will continue to put joy into her life and my own so that she will have the happiest summer ever.

I must say that it felt great just writing and sharing my thoughts, my hopes and my wishes. At least for a moment in time I felt joy by experiencing it through my daughter's life. Thanks for sharing this moment and time with me.

Good Morning and good bye for now. I am going to have a nap with my daughter for a couple of hours before I get her ready for today's camp.

How do you tell your child that her father is dead?

My husband died on December 4, 2008, of a massive heart attack. I had the most difficult task of telling my eight year old daughter that her dad had passed away. I did not know how to tell my daughter that her dad was dead. When I looked into her eyes all that I could see in her face was the look of wonder, uncertainties, and surprise to see her Godparents, neighbours, church councillor in our home. Her eyes glided over all of the faces of these people wondering why they were sitting in her living room. If a pin had fallen at that moment you would have heard it loud and clear because of the silence in the room. Eventually, her Godmother broke the silence. As gentle as ever I said, yes Jacqueline your dad is dead. Her little jaw dropped slightly and she looked up at me pulling her little jaw up. She kept her eyes on me throughout the whole event for support. Her jaw dropped again as if to cry and suddenly out of nowhere she gazed on me for support and immediately pulled her jaws up. After everyone left we hugged each other and went to bed. While we were in bed I spoke to her very softly telling her that I know that it is hurting inside and that it was okay to cry. She said mommy I am never going to see my daddy again. My daddy will never kiss me good night and tuck me in before I go to sleep, he will never wake me up in the morning, help me in the shower, put my towel around me, take me to school, take me to special places like the restaurant, to church, take my pictures or go shopping together. They had a special bond between father and daughter doing special things together and sharing special moments together.

Life without her dad is difficult because she missed special moments such as going to the mall with her dad and I to see Santa Claus, Christmas Shopping, watching Christmas movies, opening Christmas presents together. On Christmas Day we all shared in the preparation of the turkey. I cleaned the turkey, cut the onions, the bread and Jacqueline and her dad prepared the stuffing from beginning to end and stuffed the turkey together. This was a special time that These are things that we both appreciated and shared together with her dad. Sometimes we take these simple things for granted and don't realize that in a blink of an eye you can loose those precious moments that we take for granted with the ones we love.

Christmas 2008 was the sad and empty as we mourned the loss of the father who loved his daughter to bits and the husband that I loved. My daughter was sick with pains in her tummy and high fever. She later recovered rebounding as if nothing had happened. We broke with tradition and went out to supper with friends. We are taking life one day at a time. Some days are better than others. Sometimes we slip back and start all over again . With the help of friends and neighbours we are trying to go on but it is not easy.